In TNR’s inaugural issue, muckraker extraordinaire Ms. Terry reported on the “infamous Yale paintball onslaught,” and the sweeping measures put in place by the Yale Police Department to curb the crime spree.
Unfortunately, these measures have crashed and burned, fueling supply chain issues among New Haven’s local armories and leaving the local Chamber of Commerce bankrupt. The enactments proved such an abominable failure that the Chief of Police had to tender his resignation after receiving hatemail from his loved ones (he now lives in a repurposed bomb shelter whose walls are ironically bereft of paint).
With the string of assaults still very much active, Yale administrators scrambled to find solutions. In a secret convention held in the catacombs under PayneWhitney, Melanie Boyd – the recently appointed president of all Yale underground meetings following the official end of the COVID-19 pandemic – devised a brilliant solution. Rather than expending considerable resources to catch the perpetrators, why not teach them to amend their ways through non-violent means? Boyd has redirected the recent serendipitous $50 million donation by a prominent Russian oligarch (which he purportedly gave for the purpose of “fomenting dishonest dialogue on campus”) to support her new initiative while simultaneously bolstering school spirit: Yale’s first-ever varsity paintball team.
Boyd has already deployed scouts to scour the New Haven area for promising paintballers. Scouts are reportedly being tasked to observe live paintball assaults and look specifically for assailants demonstrating impeccable technique. Promising prospects will then immediately be offered a free ride to Yale (plus an early sneak peek at the Peabody Museum as a signing bonus).
Boyd’s master plan has worked wonders so far. The YPD has seen a dramatic reduction in the number of paintball assaults. Former assailants are now encouraged to flex their athletic skills on the Yale field and explore their academic passions off the field.
