Like most in the developed world, you probably awoke on Christmas morning as a child with a feeling of innocent excitementJolly Ol’ St. Nicholas delivered your long awaited gifts, implying that you made it onto his coveted “Nice List”. What a great feeling! You were a good kid all year, and you would be rewarded for meeting the minimum requirements of human decency.
Why are our children the spawn of modern greed? We have set a precedent, and thus it’s ours to change: we have to raise the bar. We need to change up our stance on Santa Claus.
I will suggest a three-tier approach:
Tier 1: Good children. These children have demonstrated exemplary behavior for the majority of the year with minimal incidents of insubordination and bigotry. These children know how to behave in public, and they have immense respect for their parents. Congrats, kids: an obese white male with an affinity for children will now enter your home unannounced with devices produced from indentured servitude in a land that doesn’t exist. Yay Santa!
Tier 2: Mediocre children. These children are average- they annoy anyone in sight, but not on purpose. This is merely the nature of children, and they are not for the faint of heart. Your average, run-of-the-mill kids should not get a visit from Santa Claus. They should be served a breakfast of Raisin Bran and told to strive higher for next year. Remember, we are raising the bar.
Tier 3: Bad children. These children bring terror to others intentionally; tantrums, mischief and messes galore. These kids act like fools intentionally to seek attention. These are “those” kids at the family reunion who won’t stop flirting with their cousins. These kids will receive a visit from Santa Claws: Santa Claus’ third cousin imprisoned on three counts of second degree murder and one count of involuntary manslaughter. Santa Claws enters through the front windows by force and kills the family pet, using its blood to spell out the names of the bad children on the wall. After all, the best way to get kids in line is through mild trauma.
If there is more than one child in the house, and their tiers aren’t identical, then the parents have to make a judgment call; does one kid get presents while the other one asks why Fido is in the garbage disposal? Does one kid eat their Raisin Bran by himself while the other kids get to go to go to Disney? These are the questions that parents need to answer; the future of the children is in our hands.
