Like most college students in their final years, the age-old question arises: What will I do when I graduate? Unfortunately, most graduates end up fumbling around from job to job, hating life all the while. While wrestling with this question myself, I wander into my local Kroger in Glendale, searching for answers.
John Mayer’s voice greets me while I peruse the milk isle and I hear a song that I had forgotten I loved: “Waiting on the World to Change.” The song resonates with me to my core, so much so that my feet freeze in place, and I stop moving altogether. The song ends but my body does not move. I stay still. A singular thought runs through my brain. I must wait until John releases the song “The World Has Changed.” Only then will I be free. And so I wait, between aisle, 6 and 7, dreaming of the song that will release me.
After hours of failed attempts by the staff to remove me from the premises, they bring the matter to the regional manager. He hears about my stance and decides, as any crafty regional manager would, to use it to his advantage. I am converted into an advertising display. I start out as a Planters Peanut complete with a hat and cane. Their contract lasts for 6 months, but with sweat and tears I make it through, all the while offering up my suffering as an indication that the world has yet to change. I thought they would leave me in peace, but apparently Planters had so much success with me that they licensed me over to the Pillsbury Ghost for the next several months. Before I knew it, every major brand wanted a piece of me. My body is dressed up by the highest bidder every month. Heinz is the worst. They stripped me down and left me in a human sized ketchup bottle made of cardboard.
I wake up one day to John’s sweet, sweet voice crooning “New Light” through the overhead, and I thought it must be a sign. Just as I take my first step, I am given a stark reminder of my cause as the Script’s “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” begins blasting over the speakers, and I realized I would never be moved. It was destiny.
In solidarity with my newfound purpose, everyday citizens started standing with me at my local Kroger, each more enthusiastic than the last. Kids come in to take pictures with the man in the mustard costume. I begin hearing from passersby that others have begun standing in Krogers around the world. I think back to the question that got me here in the first place and realize that this is my purpose. I had started a cultural movement, one that would change the world forever. Coca-Cola, Horizon, Kellogg’s, Doritos, Oreo, even Quaker Oats. The big brands all started buying people. Doritos would rent a pack of us, and we would all be different flavored chips for a month.
I had started out lost and full of questions, but in the end John and I had truly changed the world. Just not in the way I expected.
(Edited by: Some random girl on a plane)
