I’m a junior now, and after three long years of drudging through mindless psets and interminable essays without respite, I’ll come out and say it: I’m fed up with the demands of college life. I can’t cope with the stress; it’s really taking a toll on my mental health.
To be fully candid, the biggest contributing factor to my malaise is not my class assignments, but something far more insidious: Times New Roman. Every fortnight without fail, I’m summoned by the TNR editors to craft a creative, comedic piece on “sports,” broadly construed.
Invariably, I hole myself up in my room for hours, struggling to come up with a compelling idea. During these trials and tribulations, I’ll often duct tape my fingers to the computer screen and not remove the tape until I’ve finished the article; the pain motivating my productivity. When I’ve submitted my piece, some sadistic TNR higher-up (Tyler Durden in this case) derives great pleasure in stealing my rightful thunder by removing my name from the article and replacing it with their own.
Well, I’m here to tell you folks, no more suffering for me! That’s why I’m putting an end to TNR. Starting tonight, I’m parlaying my newfound “sports” knowledge to initiate a revolution that’ll target the very superstructure of TNR and reveal the magazine’s glaring iniquities.
My brilliant campaign is to create a fight club consisting of all Yalies currently disillusioned with TNR.
Our members will covertly train in the underground Elm space after 5pm, and will be poised to attack TNR writers (and even loyal readers) at a moment’s notice. Right now, my fight club is an army of one, and I have received several loitering charges, but I’m confident the club’s core group will grow exponentially in no time.
So all you TNR toadies still reading this article, let me give you a fair warning. Don’t try to encumber our efforts; if you do, we’ll have no choice but to exact violence upon you. And by violence we mean expediting Rick Singer’s sentence (the mastermind par excellence of Varsity Blue’s fame) and paying him to impersonate you and bomb your final exams.
