Sometimes when I’m twenty hours into my CPSC 323 pset and my code still doesn’t work because I decided to risk it all and skip office hours that week, my mind enters another place. In this quantum realm of selfdoubt and interior reflection, I inevitably end up thinking about the origin of different foods. Like, who was the sorry bastard who first thought of eating a lobster?
I can only imagine how, during the time of the great pharaohs, long before the advent of goggles, one adventurous and dashing young soul named Eurypdees must have dove into the ocean in search of runaway seabound gold drachmas. While haplessly feeling around the bottom of the ocean floor, blind, his hand encountered among the most ferocious of crustaceans: the lobster. Or perhaps more accurately, the lobster encountered his hand. Eurypdees wailed in pain, a wail the likes of which no one had ever heard before. Upon his narrow and hasty escape, the now delimbed Eurypdees cursed all future generations of the perpetrator. With seething vengeance, Eurypdees spent the next three years uniting the Spartan, Athenian, Carthaginian, Persian, and Wakandan armies in a new campaign against lobster-kind. After vanquishing his mortal nemesis, Eurypdees found to his dismay that the lobster’s body was wholly hollow, and the only consumables remained in the tail.
And what about berries? You are telling me that entire lineages of humans were wiped out just so I could know the difference between nightlock and blueberries? Images flash across my imagination of ancient families tucked inside a cave in some far off corner of pangea celebrating the birthday of one of their children. The child is sitting there waiting for his mother to put the finishing touches on his birthday pie, when he finally takes a bite and mutters, “Mom this blueberry pie doesnt… doesnt… tassste…. li… bluerrrysszz.”
And then there are mushrooms. To this day I’m still in shock with this discovery. We must have had some starving ancestors for them to resort to this sick game of russian roulette. One moment your mum’s whipping up a creamy, smoky, mushroom soup in the backyard stove, and next thing you know you’re having an out-of-body encounter with our lord and savior whilst riding a unicorn inside a rainbow. Then next time it hits the menu one of y’all gets a one way ticket to forever sleep. Then theres gonna be the time that its just a bomb as soup.
We need to give those cavemen more credit for their contributions to humanity cuz Damn! I am not tough enough to go toe to toe against a
