Omaha Police Department Police Report

An orphan aged between 6-17 (with 95% confidence) was found behind the apple tree on Crinkle Street. The orphan was found in good condition physically, mentally, and spiritually. Field sobriety and curse tests were performed to assess his intoxication levels as well as levels of bewitchment, both of which came back positively. The officials quickly got to work purchasing him a warm drink, cleansing him in the deep end of the local YMCA, and buying the boy more clothes in line with his ‘lifestyle.’ After a couple hours of this intense treatment the orphan was stabilized and returned back to his place behind the apple tree. Reports say he has since moved on from this tree to another tree. Officials are considering possibly returning to check on the orphan in 10 years.