I was at the office furiously finishing up my article on the Senate elections so I could attend my colleague’s Halloween party, when my boss beckoned me into his office and instructed me to stay overtime and add another article.
Dejected, I begrudgingly sat back down to write. I soon left the office, looking for a local angle on the wintry streets of New Haven. Walking aimlessly in a desolate alley, I spotted neon lights dimly flickering from a downstairs den, and heard a murmur of conspiring voices. Startled, I rushed to a nearby Halloween costume store, and I purchased a set of wings, antennae, and bulging eyes.
I attached myself to the den’s door with glue so that no one could see the human fly on the wall. I discovered that the group congregating in the den was none other than the Yale Justice Coalition (YJC). They were discussing perhaps one of the biggest conspiracies in Yale’s history.
The leader of the gathering, dressed head-to-toe entirely in black leather, broke down YJC’s plan to storm the upcoming Yale-Harvard game to protest the university’s wealth hoarding and fossil fuel investments. I perked up my insect ears. The leader lamented that YJC’s last Yale Harvard protest was an utter failure, inducing the Yale administration to divest its funds from fossil fuel corporations only to reinvest in the non-biodegradable plastics industry. Enraged, the YJC proposed a bolder protest this year. The leader insisted that he would purchase 10 Mercedes-Benz G-Wagons to drive around the field blaring Greta Thunberg’s voice on the loudspeaker. He also promised to purchase 3 Blackbird jets accompanied by expert pilots that would trace the words “The 1% is evil.” It was also suggested to provide a takeout street taco bar on the field for marchers but the leader immediately shot this down, deeming it to be in poor taste. Instead, he decided on a conveyor belt sushi station with tuxedoed servers distributing 3-star Michelin rated Japanese hors d’oeuvres in the stands. According to the leader’s estimate, the event would cost about one billion dollars.
Three weeks later, on the day of the game, the protest shockingly failed. The G wagons spontaneously combusted, the Blackbirds nosedived, and the conveyor belt sushi toppled on the throng of protestors. And there’s no telling how much noxious gases were released in the process of this fiasco. But, alas, no one cared. It was a beautiful day to watch the players dazzlingly throw around the pigskin.
