As the infamous Yale paintball onslaught continues, our watchful protector Chief Anthony Campbell has sworn that he is using the full might of the police force to stop this terrorism once and for all. This past Monday, the Chief of Police announced that the New Haven Police Department will be creating a special ops Paintball Assault Prevention Unit (PAPU for short) to fight back against these serial attackers in our midst.
“Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire,” Chief Campbell solemnly admitted, “and in this case, our fire is paintballs.”
It has been decided that funds that were originally going to be used to renovate the famed bluelight system across campus is now being put toward importing the highest quality Taiwanese paintballs and new assault rifles specially designed to hold this destructive ammunition.
When questioned on this budgetary consideration, Campbell retorted that “paintballs travel faster than the bluelight signal takes to even reach the station. If our men can intimidate and hit our target beforehand, however, that eliminates the need for the bluelights all together.”
To join the PAPU, every officer must pass a series of rigorous tests including but not limited to shooting range accuracy, reload speed, quick-draw, stealth, collateral damage reduction, sprint speed, climbing efficiency, lung capacity, night vision, the SAT, and of course Thermodynamics 363L to ensure they know how a paintball works.
Campbell promises that “by Rosh Hashanah, every Yale student attending morning services, will be completely safe under the watchful sight of our PAPU.”
Even if you do not see your heroes walking down the street at night, be assured that they are out there, perched in the trees on the green, to jump out at any moment to ambush a would-be attacker. They may even be the ones shooting at you. Some of the PAPU squadrons are going deep undercover shooting at Yale Undergrads in order to infiltrate those doing the real harm. Other PAPU members are taking the opposite approach and shooting at suspicious New Haven residents before they strike as one of their preemptive measures.
While our fearless PAPU trained and organized, all are advised to continue to stay vigilant, take introductory physics classes, and participate in dodgeball intramurals to gain an upper hand on the mysterious marksman in our midst.
