Professor: *tapping fingers on desk* So I think you all know why you’re meeting with me today.
Athletes: *suppressing a smile* Nope…
Professor: It is extremely suspicious that every single one of you, despite bombing all my previous exams and a few of you being mildly illiterate, managed to perform at the top of the class.
Athletes: **munching on a still frozen Chuck E. Cheese pizza with orgasmic delight** Weird…
Professor: *exasperated* For Pete’s sake, no food or drink allowed in my office!
Athletes: *frantically searching for a microfridge* Who’s Pete? By the way, Teach, you’re from Oregon right cause I know you can hook us up with some weed-flavored oregano.
Professor: Actually, I’m from Minnesota. And no, like any other self-respecting pedagogue I have no oregano in my office.
Athletes: Damn, we didn’t think you’d stoop low enough to actually want to hoard your whole oregano stash. What happened to spreading the love?
Professor: *with disgust* Returning to our original conversation, please be so kind as to inform me how you all cheated.
Athletes: *with a reflective gaze* It all started one fateful night at our local pizza parlor when we got together, taught each other how to properly read, and pored over the material in your class. Then we co-wrote an 800 page dissertation entitled “Affirmative Abortion: Promoting Fetal Diversity at Yale”.
Professor: *astonished* But why go to all this trouble if you’re not even interested in my class?
Athletes: We studied for one reason only: epic prankery. You’ve just been administered the biggest dose of prankage of all time. April Fools, dummy.
Professor: Let me get this straight. You all studied for the first time in your entire lives just for a silly prank? Talk about incentives…
Athletes: *bleating loudly and chewing cud* We’re the prankster GOATs. Now give us some of your leftover calzone with honey-mustard sauce you know I enjoy.
