It is debatably a pleasure to announce that I, Randall D’Anderson Beans, have been named the next Dean of Yale College. You students may refer to me as Dean Beans (my friends lovingly refer to me as Randy-Dandy). I will serve as Yale College’s 43rd Dean in ten years, and I plan to have a long and arduous reign in order to disrupt this unfortunate cadence.
It has come to my attention that the current class registration process has been deemed “undesirable” by students. I understand that there’s always room for the administration office to improve the systems upon which this legendary university operates. However, I’m beginning to detect a salty stench of ungratefulness from the armpit that is our student body. Is this not the same group of people that insisted we install air conditioning in our dorms to “improve livability?” Is this not the same band of brats that demanded we “not hold class on the weekends?” Is this not the same gaggle of know-nothings who asked us to “not room them with sex offenders?” I am really starting to believe that you all will never be happy; nevertheless, in an attempt to rescue my tenure, I will make an adjustment to the registration system. Let me remind you of the steps we’ve already taken:
You didn’t like that we took the shopping period away, so we decided not to tell you when registration was happening (in hopes that this would stop the whining).
You didn’t like not knowing when to sign up for classes, so we had you sign up for classes 10 months in advance.
You didn’t like “not knowing when or where classes would be” and “didn’t know” what you wanted to take that far ahead, so we shortened the notice time and made the sign-up time different for each class so that the seniors could sandbag all of the limited classes.
And now you don’t like that.
My solution now is to let you students come up with a system. I am throwing down the gauntlet. If you don’t like anything that we’ve done, fine. You can only strike gold so many times before we come full circle like some demented game of duck-duck-goose. Good luck. You’ll come crawling back to Deanie Beanie begging for OCS again when you inevitably fail.
Inquiries should go to beanie.weenie@yale.edu or call 203-HOT-BEAN to speak to my assistant.
– Dean Beans
