From my short yet renowned tenure running the Fortune 500 lentil farm Beans, Inc., I’ve acquired a wealth of knowledge on how to properly oversee a successful business. Skeptics may argue that my insights are too specialized, but they’re wrong: the ins and outs of lentil production are a clear representation of what it takes to be a leader. I’ve narrowed my philosophy into 3 easy steps. Consider this the Krabby Patty Secret Formula of running a business.
Step 2: Do NOT hire anyone of talent. Remember, there is only one boss; as the great business mogul Richard G. Robert once said, if you’re not first, you’re last. Hiring anyone capable of tasks outside basic human fine motor skills is a threat to your business, and this will cause people to look down upon you. In the wild, animals always surround themselves with weaker members of the community to stand out.
Step 3: Do NOT fully meet the needs of customers. According to conventional business wisdom, the customer always comes first. This is simply false. If you give customers what they want, they’ll never come back again. Planned obsolescence is your closest friend -just look at Apple. Think like a salon owner: charge $10 for a mediocre haircut, and then charge $9 to get it fixed. Boom, bam, pow, you’ve now nearly doubled your revenue.
Step 4: Do NOT provide employees with benefits. Providing employees with insurance makes it seem like their labor is doing you a favor, and nothing could be farther from the truth: YOU are the one doing THEM abfavor by hiring them to work at your pristine institution. Instead, take an additional “mercy tax” out of their paycheck to let them know that you hold in your hands the swift power of executive judgment. Remember, you own the means of production, not them. The last thing you want is unionization.
When you employ these 5 steps, your business will become globally renowned. If, by chance, your business still fails even after observing these rules, then you aren’t meant to be a leader. In this case, please email us and maybe we can discuss your future employment at Beans, Inc.
